Rejection, the Mother of Perfectionism

     The last time we looked at some of the identifying marks of perfectionism. Now let us examine some of the causes of the malady.

     Although some people seem to be predisposed to perfectionism through genetic temperament traits, much of it is acquired through learned behavior. Most often it is the byproduct of a maladjusted home life in which the child is subjected to some form of abuse, whether it was physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual.

     We can say that these are acts of “negative commission”, or behaviors exhibited by the parents that produce a negative emotional effect on the child most often perceived by him as a form of rejection.

     Some forms of abuse are more obvious in manner while others are much more subtle. Physical abuse, such as battering, is easily identified, but emotional and spiritual abuse can be much less obtrusive.

     Emotional abuse may be as overt as constantly screaming at the victim or as veiled as “putting down’ the child through a series of demeaning remarks or criticisms. Spiritual abuse is a bit more difficult to identify but it is usually recognized by the perpetrator’s effort to manipulate the victim by the twisting of a doctrinal or spiritual truth.

     The injured party may be totally unaware of the intent of such legalism for a time , but when they do discover the  “hidden agenda” they often experience feelings of disappointment, resentment, bitterness and ultimately one of being rejected, especially if they did not conform to the demands of the pseudo- spiritual leader.

     When studying perfectionism, the subject of being rejected is paramount for it is rejection that spawns rejection and the pervasive root system of which procrastination and performance orientation are a part. Performance orientation will be discussed later.

     In a dysfunctional home a child will often feel the effects of  “negative omissions.” These are normal parental impartations that have been omitted from the child’s formative framework. By the way, I’ve used the term “ dysfunctional’ here as a general term for a home where all things do not function wholly as prescribed, so we can conclude that all homes are to some degree dysfunctional.

     The omission of love, or its withdrawal, is strongly felt by the child as rejection. In fact, studies imply that some cases of “infant crib death” may be caused by the withdrawal of parental love. Love in its truest sense is something that is more clearly demonstrated than it is defined. This is especially true with children who are naturally going to be more positively affected by an actual demonstration of love rather than by an intangible definition.

     Love is best transmitted to the child and understood by him through acts of acceptance, approval and forgiveness. Acceptance is based upon the parent’s willingness to accept the child just as he is without any conditions placed upon him. He doesn’t have to do anything special or be anybody special to be specially accepted- he just is. Approval is best shown through praise- and lots of it. Praise being the very antithesis of non- productive criticism.

     Lastly, we all need to be forgiven by someone at sometime. It makes life’s pilgrimage a lot easier for it lightens the load considerably. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, is a bit like trying to sail a ship with the anchor down… what a drag!

In the next article: How to overcome perfectionism.