Ask Dr. Al

A New Age for Family Counseling

2009-10-29T13:04:00.001-07:00

There is a worn out saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm so glad that I am not a dog! It's is exciting to learn something new and valuable literally every day. This applies personally to the arena of family counseling. In the 25 years that I've been involved in pastoral counseling I've seen a lot trends and changes but none as drastic as over the last 5 years. In a rapidly changing society the family has had to adjust in many ways and one of them is how to approach counseling when the family needs it. A few years ago it was a relatively simple matter to get Dad into the car (I mention him first since men are the most resistant to counsel) then Mom and perhaps a kid or two and head off for the Doc's office. Not so today. With Mom most likely working outside the home now we have to factor in her work schedule. And as for the kids, need I tell you what their schedules look like? In the area I live in, not far from Orlando, Fl., it is not unusual to see people leaving for work at 6:30 AM and not returning home 12 hours later. To expect them to come and see me after work would be tantamount to asking Shaq to ride in the Kentucky Derby. As for me, I am not willing to take time from the family to work on weekends.

It seemed like a stalemate until a friend suggested….internet counseling. As I browsed the internet I found a few people that offered contacts over the web with follow up phone counseling. It didn't seem personal enough for me so I continued probing. Then voila, another friend suggested counseling via the internet using a free computer phone hook up coupled with a web camera. Not a new idea to the cyber world but definitely novel to me. I soon let the word out through emails that I was available as an internet counselor and within a few days had a couple from Pa. who was interested. It was comical at first getting used to this new way of communicating. At times we forgot that we were on camera and adopted some embarrassing facial expressions. We soon learned to watch both the large screen that the other party was on as well as our own monitor screen that captured our image. I encouraged the couple to just relax and enjoy the sessions and soon they met me weekly in their back yard with their computer, steamy cups of Starbucks and a box stuffed with Crispy Cremes. I could only watch and smile as they indulged….and relaxed. This was a scene that I had never experienced in the traditional counseling setting. And as far as the challenge of paying for the session? Paypal works for me!

I believe that we have turned the corner in meeting the counseling needs of today's super busy family. If you are one of those families who needs godly counsel but have been hampered by scheduling problems, internet counseling may be the answer for you.

Hope for the Perfectionist

2009-04-30T09:49:00.001-07:00

As hopeless and enmeshed in futile, debilitating activity as the life of the perfectionist might seem, please take heart in one simple fact: there is hope for you.

The old adage that the first step toward an effective cure is an accurate diagnosis holds especially true in this case. Can you identify with any of the following statements used by some people to define the word “perfect ?”

*Doing nothing wrong; making no errors.

*Pushing yourself to reach an impossible goal.

*Doing something so well, nothing could make it better.

*The need to have everything and everyone in just the right order.

*Having internal and external levels of expectations both for yourself and

others that are so high as to be deemed as unreasonable.

By adopting these beliefs we can see how easily one’s reach can exceed his grasp!

For those perfectionists in hiding here is a simple test used by Dr. David Stoop that will help you determine if you have a problem with perfectionism. Simply state whether you agree or disagree with the following statements about yourself:

*I often put things off because I don’t have time to do it perfectly.

*I expect the best of myself at all times.

*I generally think I could have done better.

*I get upset when things don’t go as planned.

*Other people can’t understand my desire to do things right.

*I am disappointed in the quality of other’s work.

*I feel my standards should be the highest possible , allowing for a clarity of direction and a standard of performance.

*If anything that I do is considered average I am unhappy.

*I think less of myself when I repeat a mistake.

If you agreed with five or more of the statements you probably need some adjusting. Two or less and you are near perfect and need to find a perfectionist that you can irritate.

In studies by Dr. David Burns, he reports that about one half of our population would clearly be perfectionistic. Dr. Stoop has found that 80 % are somewhat perfectionistic and are likely to struggle in broad areas of their lives while others had pockets of perfection. Approximately 20% were found at the extremes- high or low.

For those who need adjusting may I offer the following suggestions to help you out of the quagmire of perfectionism? The list is by no means exhaustive, but it’s a start.

*Recognize that your perfectionism is crippling you and making you less productive and effective. Make the choice now to let it go.

*Learn to forgive yourself. Do it frequently throughout the day whenever necessary, even if it is many times. Try this: “ I forgive myself for messing up… (example) and I release myself from my judgment.” Put away the judge’s gavel!

*Give yourself permission not to finish everything today.

*Be sure your priorities are the same as God’s for the day. You may not get everything done, just be sure to start with the most important.

*Learn to relax. Relax your expectations of yourself and others to a more reasonable and attainable level. By relaxing you will do better the next time.

*Ask yourself frequently whether you are creating an atmosphere of tension and pressure around you or one of peace, godly motivation, challenge and fulfillment.

In conclusion, if anything is really worth doing, it is worth doing imperfectly. And, in the words of Will Rogers: “It’s great to be great but it’s greater to be human.”

Rejection, the Mother of Perfectionism

2009-04-30T09:22:00.001-07:00

The last time we looked at some of the identifying marks of perfectionism. Now let us examine some of the causes of the malady.

Although some people seem to be predisposed to perfectionism through genetic temperament traits, much of it is acquired through learned behavior. Most often it is the byproduct of a maladjusted home life in which the child is subjected to some form of abuse, whether it was physical, emotional, sexual or spiritual.

We can say that these are acts of “negative commission”, or behaviors exhibited by the parents that produce a negative emotional effect on the child most often perceived by him as a form of rejection.

Some forms of abuse are more obvious in manner while others are much more subtle. Physical abuse, such as battering, is easily identified, but emotional and spiritual abuse can be much less obtrusive.

Emotional abuse may be as overt as constantly screaming at the victim or as veiled as “putting down’ the child through a series of demeaning remarks or criticisms. Spiritual abuse is a bit more difficult to identify but it is usually recognized by the perpetrator’s effort to manipulate the victim by the twisting of a doctrinal or spiritual truth.

The injured party may be totally unaware of the intent of such legalism for a time , but when they do discover the “hidden agenda” they often experience feelings of disappointment, resentment, bitterness and ultimately one of being rejected, especially if they did not conform to the demands of the pseudo- spiritual leader.

When studying perfectionism, the subject of being rejected is paramount for it is rejection that spawns rejection and the pervasive root system of which procrastination and performance orientation are a part. Performance orientation will be discussed later.

In a dysfunctional home a child will often feel the effects of “negative omissions.” These are normal parental impartations that have been omitted from the child’s formative framework. By the way, I’ve used the term “ dysfunctional’ here as a general term for a home where all things do not function wholly as prescribed, so we can conclude that all homes are to some degree dysfunctional.

The omission of love, or its withdrawal, is strongly felt by the child as rejection. In fact, studies imply that some cases of “infant crib death” may be caused by the withdrawal of parental love. Love in its truest sense is something that is more clearly demonstrated than it is defined. This is especially true with children who are naturally going to be more positively affected by an actual demonstration of love rather than by an intangible definition.

Love is best transmitted to the child and understood by him through acts of acceptance, approval and forgiveness. Acceptance is based upon the parent’s willingness to accept the child just as he is without any conditions placed upon him. He doesn’t have to do anything special or be anybody special to be specially accepted- he just is. Approval is best shown through praise- and lots of it. Praise being the very antithesis of non- productive criticism.

Lastly, we all need to be forgiven by someone at sometime. It makes life’s pilgrimage a lot easier for it lightens the load considerably. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, is a bit like trying to sail a ship with the anchor down… what a drag!

In the next article: How to overcome perfectionism.

Perfectly Human or Humanly Perfect

2009-04-20T16:01:00.001-07:00

“Those who look to the stars set their vision too low”

At some time in my early teens I peeked into my father’s high school yearbook and under his picture I read the above motto. Little did I know at the time but those words would have a profound impact on my formative years.

As most other young people, I viewed my parents, especially my father, as being the citadel of all truth and performance. After all, in my very limited life experience, what other standard could I compare them to? In, all fairness, however, I can see that as I matured they seemed to take a quantum leap in wisdom and knowledge. Why do our parents delay their advent of wisdom until we, their children, reach our later years?

Taking advantage of the gift of 20-20 hindsight, I can thank my folks for honestly doing their best they humanly could with who they had to work with- a young human being (we’ll leave the final assessment of their labors to someone else ,however.)

“Those who look to the stars…” seems to be an innocent enough or even a somewhat noble statement on the surface, but beneath lurks a veritable emotional monster- perfectionism.

Perfectionism that causes one to think in absolute terms- black or white- all or nothing, which in turn results in a never ending series of unattainable, unrealistic goals. An illustration of this would be the student English major who approached his professor after the final term exam papers were issued and said,” Professor, you gave me a 99 and I deserved a 100.” To which the professor replied, “My son, 99 is the best grade in the class, you should be happy.” The student promptly shot back,” It’s not good enough, either give me 100 or give me a 0.”

Low self esteem and its counterpart, low self worth, plague the perfectionist. He is in the constant comparison mode: “I wonder how I can measure up to so- and –so.” The biggest problem with the comparison is that it is usually with number one-the very best.

A personal best is not good enough- it’s “my best compared their best!” Therefore, there is an absolute aversion to being average. A “B” grade is mediocre and a “C”, well, that is nearly failing!

Contrary to what would be expected, the perfectionist, despite his absolutes and his extreme demands on himself and others, is actually less efficient and productive than non- perfectionists. Resultantly, they earn 15 to 20% less than their normal counterparts. In their battle to reach the stars and become humanly perfect, they miss the truth that they are perfectly human. Something we are all destined to be this side of Heaven and the stars.

Thankfully, there is help for the crippling effects of this emotional psychosis. In the next article I’ll elaborate on some of the other causes of perfectionism, and of course, the cure.